This time it's fictional.

When I was in high school I’d stress about everything, except for college.

When I was about to apply for Architecture college, I stressed about paperwork.

When I signed up for Architecture college, I stressed about not liking it. Because, up until that point, I had never asked myself, “Do I like Architecture?”

I kept pushing the decision and forcing something that wasn’t there. Probably because I didn’t want to come to terms with the fact that I already knew what the answer was. And I didn’t want to come to terms with the fact that, as I knew what the answer was, I had to do something about it.

I stressed all summer about it. Finally, I decided that if it doesn’t feel right for me and if I’m so uneasy about it, it was the wrong decision. It was my wrong decision (reinforced by everyone around me, but still, my own decision).

And now I’m at Dental school.

And I’m stressing about not having made the right choice (I think I did… I sure like it  a whole more than Architecture, and I don’t cringe when I picture myself in  10 years doing that for a living, and I’m actually interested in it… but still. I’m a stress whore).

MY BRAIN HURTS :(

I just want to be 2 again.

An Architecture student, more specifically.

What the fuck did I just get into.

I’m going to come off as such a jerk when I say this (and I am, actually) but I just saw this guy in my class is going to become an architect as well and I can’t help but to feel extremely protective and possesive on which I consider to be MY career choice. I mean, I’m just a very… intense person, and I tend to feel like this about most things I’m interested, even passionate about (like when I got mad at my friend for mentioning Banksy in her essay… he’s supossed to be MY favorite artist!!!).

I don’t know. I’m aware of the fact that this is typical hipster douche behaviour. And I don’t even have anything against the guy! He’s actually one of the few guys in my class I consider to be fairly awesome. He’s the bees knees! But… I just don’t like it when people that aren’t as… intense as me make the same decisions as me. I just don’t. I’m just trying to relax and look at the bright side: he’s attending my same college so at least I won’t be alone, besides he’s awesome, like I’ve already said. It’s just… I tend to question people’s passion about these things a lot, considering a week ago he wanted to be an accountant. I mean, seriously? I’ve decided I would become an Architect since I was a fetus. ARCHITECTURE IS SUPOSSED TO BE MY THING, YOU KNOW? Like Billy Elliot and baking and drawing cartoons and Rufus Wainwright and british comedies and Latin American writers of the XXth Century and proudly displaying my chronic bitchface and my future plans of living in Greenwich Village or Prague or Berlin or whatever…

I KNOW, COMPLETE HIPSTER DOUCHE BEHAVIOUR HERE. I’m just incredibly stupid.

the more I read about Architecture as a profession, the more I think I’m making the absolute right choice here.

I mean, I love drawing and design, but I was worried that would be ALL there was to Architecture. And you know what, the fact that I’ll get to work with clients and employees and people, and will have to do research and technical drawing and communicate my ideas as opposed to just draw is supossed to discourage me or something… but it totally doesn’t.

In fact, I think all of those things will make me grow as a person, and keep developing all areas of knowledge better, not just my art.

Which is kind of awesome.

And yes, it might be a tricky proffesion and not many people make it. I know that. But then again, this happens in every profession, not just Architecture. I mean, you know what other things I considered doing? Here’s a quick list: rocket science, cooking, music, medicine, astronomy. I mean, just look at that list. Do you think making it in those professions would be, in any way, easier? Yeah, me neither.

Also, I like a good challenge now and then.

So. Today I broke the news to my mom.

A little background information: I’ve been quite sure I wanted to become an Architect since the year started. Or so my parents thought. I’m not going to blame them: it’s mostly my fault. It looked like a cool career choice: I like drawing and Math and problem solving. It should be easy, right? Well, it’s not. I tried to think of it in terms of what I’m really passionate about.. and turns out, I don’t really know if I’m passionate about Architecture, or if I’m trying to make myself believe so, because it’s the more convenient choice, or if everyone has told me that so many times it’s finally embedded in my brain or something. The thing is, I have no idea if that’s what I WOULD ABSOLUTELY LOVE TO DO THE MOST. Yes, I find it mildly interesting and would enjoy doing it. The thing is, for how long would I enjoy doing it? Is mildly interesting enough? Will formal education increase or decrease my interest, which is the same as, as I learn more about it: will I like it more or less than I do right now?

I’ve been thinking about it for a few months, and it’s making me extremely anxious, nervous, heartbroken and jumpy, all at once. I just have no idea what to do, and my graduation is in two weeks and I really don’t have time for anything else, but it wouldn’t be right to stick to something I dislike. But I don’t dislike Architecture. I don’t know…

And so I told my mom I’m also considering doing a pastry chef course. She took it well, initially, saying I could do that and Architecture, and that I could do both at once (it was my original plan, after all).

But then… I noticed my mom was uncertain. She wasn’t sure if I was completely changing career paths, and so she asked me. I told her what was on my mind: I like both career paths and I have no idea what I would like best. She seemed worried.

Then, yadda yadda yadda, I sort of blamed her for my own indecision (that was uncalled for, I know), mostly because I’m just really under pressure. Both my parents were happy about the fact that I seemed to like Architecture, and very encouraging. Perhaps too encouraging. To be fair with them, they thought I liked it. I thought I liked it. I still do, it’s just that it’s a hard decision to make and I’m just incredibly scared of making the wrong one…

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO. I’M PROBABLY DOING BOTH. I DON’T WANT TO GIVE UP ON ARCHITECTURE BECAUSE, WELL, I STILL THINK I LIKE IT, BUT I’D LIKE TO DO SOMETHING RELATED TO COOKING SOME DAY. PERHAPS NEXT YEAR… PERHAPS LATER. I DON’T KNOW IF I WOULD WANT TO DO THAT FOR A LIVING, EITHER. I DON’T KNOW. MAYBE I’LL JUST BE THE CRAZY WOMAN IN FRONT OF THE LIBRARY WHO YELLS AT THE PEOPLE AND WARNS THEM ABOUT THE END OF THE WORLD. I DON’T KNOW.