WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.
Also newsflash: I might be considering yet another career change. I’ve been sort of excited about the prospect of studying Chemical Engineering instead of Dentistry. I’ll think through it, and get back to you later.
But lately it seems like a VERY viable option.
I guess I’ll just wait and see.
I’m in Dental school and I’m doing REALLY well (all of my grades are 9/10 or higher).
But I’m thinking about studying something else simultaneously.
What if I started Medicine or Chemistry while studying Dentistry?
Would that be too crazy?
WHY AM I EVEN ASKING. IT IS CRAZY.
But I kind of want to do that. At least right now. I mean, if I did two careers, then I would KNOW which one is right for me, and I wouldn’t be a problem if I liked one more than the other because I’d have BOTH degrees so I’d be able to decide which one to do.. or work doing both.
I think I’ll apply next year. For either one.
I don’t know what to do with my lifeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Also I know that if I were to study Medicine (while studying Dentistry, or giving up Dentistry… whatever), I’ll be drawn to research because THAT’S what interests me, and not the more caring side of Medicine, such as pediatrics or being a family doctor. I know I wouldn’t want that, and I wouldn’t be as good doing that. I’d do something like pathology or cancer research or something like that…
But I can also do research in Dentistry. And that wouldn’t mean wasting one year.
And then there’s also a caring side to dentistry. But it’s different. Because it’s more.. I don’t know…
And then I could also do research in Chemistry. Although I wouldn’t have any other choice if I did study Chemistry because, well, doctors and dentists can work at clinics besides research but what do CHEMISTS do?
and industry work is OUT of the question because I wouldn’t like that at all.
WHAT SHOULD I DO?
I think everyone at college hates me and I SWEAR I’M NOT BEING PARANOID. You know, I thought people were going to be more mature but apparently I was wrong. Today we had this important exam and I arrived when pretty much half of my class was there so I quietly walked up to them and said “hi” and only ONE girl replied, and then nobody would talk to me and so I kept staring at the floor and then these other group of girls came and they said hi to everyone BUT me (I AM NOT KIDDING. THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED) and started talking about how everyone who had passed the Biology test was so nerdy and hm, I had gotten a 9/10 and so I was just standing there saying nothing but they obviously were talking about me and I just had the feeling I was the punchline of their jokes and they made it quite obvious that they don’t want to hang out with me anymore so.
Number two: When I finished the exam I went home and on the bus I met this girl who’s also in my class and who wasn’t there when all of this happened and we started talking and guess what? she’s nice and she lives near my house and so we talked all the way home and yeah, sometimes we’d be quiet and there would be awkward silences but sometimes she or I would break them and then we’d have actual conversations and then right before the exam I talked to this other girl in my class who’s also super nice and then my “best friend” from college (I mean, I started a little while ago so I’m not sure we’re OMGBFFS yet but we get along well and do most group assignments together so, yeah) came to me and told me where the classroom was and we also talked and so OKAY MAYBE NOT EEEVERYONE at college hates me but I’m pretty sure 99% of them do.
And I don’t care LA LA LA because like, 3 people don’t hate me (also this guy who’s kind of cute doesn’t hate me either and says I’m smart and stuff which is nice).
But sometimes I wish people wouldn’t be so quick to judge me. It’s INCREDIBLY hard for me to meet new people, let alone with them automatically dissmissing me as an uptight bitch from Hell.
I mean… why am I ALWAYS the one that has to prove herself? I mean, back in high school there were a bunch of people who hated me for no reason (I hadn’t even talked to most of them!) and now in college it’s the same thing. I’m pretty sure that if my high school and college classmates met, they’d bond over mutual hatred of me and start a “We Hate Marina And We Want Her To Die” club and put a “NO MARINAS ALLOWED” sign at the door.
Number three: this post is over, carry on with your lives.
I was looking through this former classmate’s pictures on facebook (she’s an Architecture student) of her work and stuff… and it came to me again: I have absolutely no interest in any of it. I don’t feel eager to learn more about it, I don’t particularly care for it… so why did I ever assume I’d want to spend the rest of my life around it? Makes no sense!
On the other hand, I was doing this research project for college about chirality and this one compound called thalidomide that caused lots of malformations and such, and I realised I actually care about these things. I’m interested in Chemistry and Biology, I look forward to my lectures and I want to learn more and more about it. I feel intellectually challenged, and I’m liking it.
Even if dentistry isn’t the right career path for me (regardless of whether I choose to do research or clinical work or academia or whatever it is I end up doing, or regardless of any decision I might make in the future that may involve a career change), I’m glad I realised that. I could have followed through with Architecture. I would have never found out I like Chemistry (which I HATED
and sucked at in high school). I would have never found out I’m interested in research. I would have spent a crappy year, being bored about my education.
I don’t know. Maybe next year I’ll change careers. Maybe I won’t and I will become a successful dentist and run my own clinic or write for oral pathology publications or become the head of the craniofacial anatomy department at some dental school. Maybe I’ll drop school altogether and open a bakery or a brothel. I don’t care. At least I’m having some fun while discovering what I was really born to do. At least I’ve opened myself to a whole different world that I never considered was there.
THERE ARE A LOT OF REALLY CUTE GUYS IN MY CLASS, OKAY?
…also the other day the teacher asked us to make groups of 6 and me and my two friends were alone… and so we told the teacher and at the end of the class she told us “I got you guys a group!” and it turns out she put us with this incredibly hot guy and I’m like <3_<3
…also this other kind of hot guy is in my group and we exchanged phone numbers because we had to do this project, but seriously, I’ve never exchanged numbers with a boy before I AM SO BEHIND EVERYTHING IN LIFE. AND THEN TODAY WHEN I GOT TO CLASS MY OTHER FRIENDS HADN’T ARRIVED SO AT THE TABLE IT WAS JUST ME AND HIM AND I SAID HI AND HE SAID HI AND WE SAT THERE AND TALKED ABOUT UPCOMING EXAMS UNTIL THE OTHER GIRLS ARRIVED. and then he asked us about our chemistry test and when I told him I got a 10/10, he said “Right, why am I even asking you?”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
…and then THE ULTIMATE HOT GUY (note: this is a different guy, THERE ARE A LOT OF HOT GUYS IN DENTAL SCHOOL OKAY?) held the door open for me when I got to class AND THAT WAS REALLY SWEET I WANT TO MARRY YOU, OTHER HOT GUY.
Okay, I’m making up for all the boy-crazyness I didn’t get during middle school/high school. DEAL WITH IT.
I’m on my.. fourth, I think fourth week of college and I think I finally made something that resembles a group of friends if you push it a little bit.
I mean, I think I’m still on that awkward stage where, when I see them, I have to nod or smile or something and not just pretend I don’t know them, but I’m not comfortable enough to go say “hi” and sit with them (which anyone else would, but I’m slightly too awkward for that, and it takes me a while to be able to do that without feeling hated and excluded and embarrased).
But I think I’m slowly warming up, and today I felt a lot more at ease sitting with them and bossing them around during our group work (they are kind of dependant on me.. which I’m OK with, I like being the group leader anyway…). I can now talk to them and laugh at their jokes and not just pretend I didn’t hear them because I’d look creepy if I showed any signs of being present.
Which is good.
ALSO ONE OF THEM IS KIND OF CUTE. AHEM. HE’S THE REASON WHY I’M IN THE GROUP: I WAS SITTING ALONE AND THEY SAT BY ME AND WHEN THE TEACHER SAID “MAKE GROUPS OF 5” HE ASKED ME IF I WANTED TO JOIN THEM AND SO I DID AND THEN THE TEACHER SAID “THESE GROUPS ARE PERMANENT” AND SO I WAS LIKE “HAHA CUTE GUY YOU’RE STUCK WITH ME FOR THE REST OF THE SEMESTERRR!!!!” and so that’s what happened.
When I was in high school I’d stress about everything, except for college.
When I was about to apply for Architecture college, I stressed about paperwork.
When I signed up for Architecture college, I stressed about not liking it. Because, up until that point, I had never asked myself, “Do I like Architecture?”
I kept pushing the decision and forcing something that wasn’t there. Probably because I didn’t want to come to terms with the fact that I already knew what the answer was. And I didn’t want to come to terms with the fact that, as I knew what the answer was, I had to do something about it.
I stressed all summer about it. Finally, I decided that if it doesn’t feel right for me and if I’m so uneasy about it, it was the wrong decision. It was my wrong decision (reinforced by everyone around me, but still, my own decision).
And now I’m at Dental school.
And I’m stressing about not having made the right choice
(I think I did… I sure like it a whole more than Architecture, and I don’t cringe when I picture myself in 10 years doing that for a living, and I’m actually interested in it… but still. I’m a stress whore).
MY BRAIN HURTS :(
I just want to be 2 again.
An Architecture student, more specifically.
What the fuck did I just get into.
Don’t you ever feel like everything that happened to you before actually happened to somebody else? Like, for example, today I realised I have only one day left of high school, that is Tuesday. And that’s it. And all that time I spent hating high school with a passion, I feel like it happened years ago (which it did, but you get the point). It’s like, I don’t even all of that anger and “teenage angst” I used to have anymore. Now I’m just this new person, trying to remember what it was like to be 15 and a complete, miserable, lonely wreck (listening to the same songs and doing the same things and stuff, and just basically trying to go back there, mentally). Because even though pretty much nothing changed (except for the fact that I’ve turned 18 and I’ll start college in three months or so), I don’t feel like that anymore.
And now that I think about it, I wish I had found myself before, and had had this great realisation and newfound sense of peace and balance with the world before, back when high school didn’t seem like a distant memory without even having finished for me. Because THAT’s exactly what it feels like.. like it’s part of the past, even though I still have to go that one more day and walk the same hallways and see the same people and do that one final test and hear everyone around me whisper the answers and get my report card and walk out of the building and walk home one last time and shit…. I would have saved myself from SO. MUCH. ANGST. But then again, I guess that’s a part of growing up. Finally learning your lesson, a little too late to put it into action.
Anyway, now that I think about it, all of that pain and awkwardness wasn’t so bad. I mean, at the time, it was. But it shaped me into who I am, and perhaps if I hadn’t been through the hell that is high school, the present me wouldn’t know all of this. I would be a little bit less wise. Not that I am particularly wise, but I am certainly a lot wiser than I was in March, at the beginning of my senior year.
SO IT’S OK. I can’t change what happened. I can’t change how I felt. I can only look back and laugh for a while and start this new chapter that follows. And you know what? A few years from now, when I’m graduated from college and stuff, I’ll probably remember how wise I felt even before graduating high school, and find it hilarious, because I will have learned so much that, in comparison, the 18 year old Marina would be TERRIBLY STUPID. And I’ll wish I had changed something and so on.
Life is kind of tricky, isn’t it? I guess I might as well try to learn as much as I can, leave all resentment towards high school behing and just move on.
Also I have to keep reminding myself I AM NOT OLD. EIGHTEEN IS NOT OLD, MARINA.
I don’t know why, but lately I feel ANCIENT. And yet completely unexperienced. That’s the worst thing to be: ancient but not wise. MARINA YOU’RE NOT ANCIENT, YOU’RE NOT EVEN A COLLEGE STUDENT YET.
(I just watched the comic book episode of Misfits and I guess the whole present me vs. future me theme stuck with me….yeah…)